According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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