i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
