I'm going to jail i love you
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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