I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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