I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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