Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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