Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My ass is underappreciated
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
