Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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