guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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