I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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