saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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