we have officially lost it.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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