I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
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