we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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