atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
