you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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