Someone shit on the floor
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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