We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
