I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
