end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
