just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
