at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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