i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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