There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
