youre lurking in front of me
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
