i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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