nut hugger
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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