i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!