does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
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I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.