Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now