We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok