Life is so much better after having sex.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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