My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
