Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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