Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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