Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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