Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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