my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
