this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
