i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
