no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
