I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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