your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
