i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We need to get me chipped asap
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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