I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We left the knife in your bed.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
