Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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