Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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