My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
