The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
