Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
