oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
His nipple licking is glorious
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