Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
