Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
