Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
