the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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