Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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