just survived the first fart of the relationship.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
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Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
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You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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