Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I am morally bankrupt
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
