I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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