i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
