i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
