Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
