Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
