I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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