If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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