That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
